Well, it's one of those days. You know, the ones where you can't put a finger on what it is, but something has you sadder than you've felt in a long time? Just me? I figured as much... Writing, or blogging is supposed to be a healing tool, right? Well, I could use some healing at this juncture, so I write.
I've cried most of the morning. I went to bed with that twisty knot in my stomach; the one that tells me I'm sad, but I couldn't understand why. Everyone around me seems so happy. Maybe that's it. I want that, but can't understand why I don't have it. I don't feel happy most days, I just paste the smile on and go because who wants to be around the Debbie Downer all the time? I know what I've become. Doesn't mean I like it, but I know, all the same. I have secrets that would chase away the few remaining ties. Big secrets that I know for sure others wouldn't agree with. But it was my choice and I carry them, and they get pretty heavy - maybe that's what I'm feeling at this point, the heaviness of what I'm carrying around.
I have to go run an autism meeting today and stand there and act strong for all those hopeful faces staring back. Those faces who look to me to have some of the answers they're looking for. I've been one of those faces. How can I be strong for them when my own life feels like it's out of control? I have not achieved anything my younger self wanted...and now I'm so unmotivated it feels like I never will. Again, time to paste on the happy face, right? Throw around some hope, even if I don't believe it.
So if you've read all the way through, sorry you had to endure that. But, it's my blog and I'm using it for therapy today! I know there's only one or two of you who actually read anyway. Alrighty...I wasn't looking for any sympathy, just trying to clear my head and get my emotions in check, so don't feel like you have to leave any messages - I'll be better, just needed to vent. Ok, back to the grind, and as the title of this page says, reality is WAY overrated!
I read all the way through. I'm not in agreement with the whole pasting on a smile things. It's wrong that the world, well, not the world, just America, expects that of people.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Andrew, dear. Don't smile because people expect it, but do think of all the good things in your life. The family and friends who love you dearly, your talent for writing, the privilege of getting a further education and doing well at it. I'm so very proud of you and all you've accomplished. So, chin up, girlie-girl. And just so you know--we all need a good cry from time to time. :)
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